Life is short. Time for another round of jokes

Wok & Roll by Peter Kwong, (Frederic) Inter-County Leader

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It is time for some fun stuff again. I don’t know what it is, but every time I blink, another week has passed me by. Am I getting old, or life is just too good?

I’ve been getting a lot of jokes from a relative who has retired. Some are fun and hilarious, while others are not fit to print. This one I have to share with you, as I think it actually happened years ago with a popular rock band.

This band member married a young woman and life goes on. However, his son married the mother of this young woman. So, his son actually becomes his father-in-law; but what about his wife? I can’t figure out.

Peter Kwong

Peter Kwong

Here is a similar story that I know you would all love to share with others. It is a letter written to the Social Security Commissioner. Do not read this before you go to bed, as you might have recurring nightmares.

“Dear Commissioner,

Many years ago, I married a widow, out of love, who had an 18-year-old daughter. After my wedding, my father came to visit a few times and fell in love with my step-daughter. My father actually married her without my consent or authorization. As a result, my stepdaughter legally became my stepmother, and my father became my son-in-law. My father’s wife, also my stepdaughter and my stepmother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my stepdaughter’s wife. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father.

All at once, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father’s wife. Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife’s grandchild. A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father’s brother-in-law, the stepson of my father’s wife, and my uncle. My son is also my stepmother’s brother, and through my stepmother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.

In light of the abovementioned, I would like to know the following:

Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father’s son-in-law, and my stepmother’s brother, fulfill the requirements for receiving child-care benefits?  Sincerely yours.”

Hope your head doesn’t hurt trying to figure this out; and if you read this before you go to bed, don’t blame me if you have nightmares.

On the lighter side, here are two more jokes:

A guy was strolling along the beach in Southern California and spotted an old, rusty oil lamp buried halfway in the sand. Curious, he dug it out and tried to rub it to get rid of the grime. Lo and behold, poof, up came a genie, who was bowing to the guy for releasing him from 3,000 years trapped inside the lamp. “Oh master,” exclaimed the genie, “Thanks for releasing me after all these miserable years. Normally, I would grant you three wishes. But I’ve been trapped in this tiny lamp for so long that it will take me years before I regain all my magic power. I still have enough energy left to grant you one wish. So, my master, tell me what you have always wanted and I’ll make it come true for you.” The guy thought for a second, and said, “Gee, that’s great! I always wanted to visit Hawaii, but I’m afraid to fly. Can you build a bridge from here to Hawaii so I can just drive across?”

“Build a bridge from here to Hawaii, my master? That’s impossible! Do you know how much building material we would need and the labor involved?”

The guy was a bit disappointed, so he said, “OK, OK, maybe this is easier. You know, I have always had problems with women. I have no luck with relationships. Maybe you can help me understand women better. You know, understand how they feel, their mood swings and how to please them and keep them happy.”

The genie thought for a long second and then said, “Fine, two lanes or four lanes?”

***

On the way to his girlfriend’s house for dinner, a young man stopped by the pharmacy to shop for some contraceptives. Being curious, he asked the pharmacist about the different brands and different sizes. He bought a couple boxes to try. He met the parents at his girlfriend’s house and was ready for dinner. They all bowed their heads and prayed. After everyone was done and started eating, the young man was still praying with his head down. Not knowing that he was so spiritual, the girlfriend asked him what he was praying about. “I didn’t know that your father was a pharmacist,” he whispered.

***

Here are some real stories submitted by doctors:

  • A man came into the emergency room yelling, “My wife is going to have her baby in the cab!” I grabbed my stuff and rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
  • I was the bearer of bad news, telling a wife that her husband had just died of a massive myocardial infarction. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”
  • During his checkup two weeks after a cardio operation, my patient informed me that he had trouble with one of his medications. When I asked him which one, he told me it was the patches. “The nurse told me to put a new one on every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put new ones,” he said. When he undressed, I discovered that there were more than 50 patches all over his body.

Life is short, have a little fun!

Go to phkwong.com for more columns and to purchase his book, “Wok & Roll.”