Wok & Roll by Peter Kwong, (Frederic) Inter-County Leader
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Life is too short, let’s just have a little fun.
A guy was on his way to see his doctor and he passed by a pharmacy with a sign that says “Computer diagnosis for $5, satisfaction guaranteed.” Being curious, he went in and checked it out. The instruction was easy and simple:
“Pay $5 at the counter and deposit your urine sample at the machine.
He followed the instructions and lo and behold, the message came out. “To stay healthy, stop drinking and smoking immediately. Start exercising every day for at least an hour a day and no more ice cream and potato chips.”
He was embarrassed and puzzled. To challenge the machine, he took the specimen bottle home, filled it with his own urine, his wife’s and daughter’s and also the
After paying $5 and waiting 15 minutes, the result came out:
“To stay healthy, stop drinking and smoking immediately. Start exercising every day for at least an hour a day, and no more ice cream and potato chips. By the way, your wife is having an affair, your daughter is pregnant, your dog has worms and your car needs an oil change. Thank you.”
***
This poor survivor from a shipwreck was stranded for 10 long years on an island. One morning, as in a dream, a beautiful lady diver appeared on the beach in a tight wetsuit.
“Hello, dearie,” she smiled, “Care for one of these?” She pulled out a bottle with the finest whiskey and let him have a sip. He was in heaven.
“And how about one of these?” She then pulled out a cigar and lit it for the guy with a smile. After a few puffs, he was in a daze. “I bet you haven’t had this for a long, long time,” she started taking off her wetsuit.
“Oh Lord,” he excitedly exclaimed, “how do you keep a set of golf clubs in there?”
***
A preacher was telling his congregation to love your enemies. One should forgive and forget, he preached. There is no point to hold any grudges, as we should all live in peace and harmony.
Then he proceeded to ask who has no enemies in their lives. One elderly lady in the back raised her hand and waved enthusiastically. The preacher was elated and asked this elderly lady to tell the congregation just how she didn’t have any enemies in her life
She approached the altar slowly, and then said, “Well, I am 93 years old, and I’ve outlived all those old bats.”
***
A doctor was giving advice to this elderly patient, that at his age, he should put a bar in his bathtub so it will be safer and easier to get in and out. After two weeks, the patient saw the doctor again, and he had this question:
“Doc, I did listen to your advice and put a bar in my tub. But I need some more advice.”
“What’s that?” the doctor patiently asked.
“Well, I’m a bit confused. Shall I put the bottle of Scotch on top, and the bottle of soda at the bottom
Or it is better the other way around?”
***
At a funeral, a good friend approached the widow to give her condolences.
“Margie, I know George would be pleased to have this fine funeral. By the way, I hope he left you enough money to cover all these expenses.”
“Oh yes, George left me $50,000 for his funeral. I spent $5,000
“Goodness, $45,000 for a memorial stone? Where is it?”
“Here, my dear,” she smiled and showed the gorgeous ring on her finger.
“I know George would love it,” she said as she smiled.
***
At a church service, the preacher was ecstatic to find a check for $1,000 in the offering. Noticing the name on the check, he announced that for this generous gesture, the donor can choose three hymns for the following week.
“Which hymns would you choose, Mrs. Simpson?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said Mrs. Simpson.
As she walked slowly to the front of the congregation, she pointed to three handsome men.
“I would like him, him and him.”
***
A couple passed away almost at the same time. They had been arguing with each other throughout their marriage.
The wife went to heaven first, and St. Peter greeted her warmly and said, “Welcome sister. There is a new rule in heaven these days. Before you can enter the pearly gates, you have to spell a word correctly. So, can you spell ‘love?’” The wife smiled and said, “L-O-V-E.”
“Great,” St. Peter said, “Welcome to heaven.”
As she entered heaven, St. Peter said, “Sister, now that you’re in, I have a big favor to ask. Can you watch the pearly gates for a few days for
“Of course, I will gladly oblige,” she said
So, for the next few days, she was doing what St. Peter asked, having the newcomers spell a word correctly before letting them through the pearly gates
Then, unexpectedly, her husband showed up one day.
“Oh, it’s you,” she said with the coldest voice. “Well, in order to let you in through the pearly gates, you have to spell a word correctly. Otherwise, no dice.”
“OK,” said the husband, “what’s the word?”
“Spell Czechoslovakia,” she said with a smile.
***
Thanks for enjoying my column for the past several months. My next book “Have you Eaten?” shall be coming out soon. For those who haven’t read the “Wok & Roll” book, you’re in luck, as the new shipment just came in.
Please check out phkwong.com for more information. And many thanks for your support.
